Friday, May 9, 2014

Warning! Not positive...


You've been warned, the positivity isn't good in this post.

I had my second block done last week on Monday and should be feeling better by now.  They didn't put as much numbing stuff in this time so my legs didn't go numb. However, I was so much more nauseous this time. I was throwing up and couldn't keep anything down from Wednesday-Sunday. I would take numb legs over nausea anyday. I should be feeling good by now, but I'm not. 

I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of appointment after appointment and no one knowing what's wrong.  I'm over it. I'm sick of it.  I can't stay positive right now because I am in so much pain and nauseous again. I have been in so much pain that I have been crying even.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND. It's frustrating when I see 6 different doctors and no one knows. I wish I was able to get some answers instead of just being given another medicine. 

I feel so helpless, too. I'm so thankful for Luis. I can't get into or out of bed on my own anymore. He has to lay me down and sit me up. I feel so bad. There's no way I could get through this without him. He's a saint for putting up with me.  The other night I looked at my phone and it was 11:11.  I said to Luis, "11:11 make a wish".  He said "OK" when he was done.  I kept trying to ask him what he wished.  It took a little while but I finally got it out of him because he kept saying if he tells me his wish it wouldn't come true.  He said he wished that I wasn't in pain anymore.  That was my wish too.  I teared up because I thought that was so sweet.  




I can't believe that a year ago today I had my biopsy. It feels like just yesterday. It's hard to not reflect back on everything I have been through in the past year. I would have never thought I would be 25/26 and go through all of this.  Going into my biopsy I was scared, but I never thought I would get the results that I ended up getting. 



I had another doctors appointment today. It was a checkup from my block last week.  She doesn't want to jump into scheduling another block yet.  She is referring me to an acupuncturist because she thinks it could help with hot flashes and the pain.  At this point in time I'm willing to try anything.  She also added 2 more medicines to my loooong list.  She gave me an electrotherapy session, too.  It surprisingly felt good.  It's nice because it gives electroshocks and it is so small so it is something that I can wear under my clothes and use while I'm at work.  I would much rather use this little device than take pain meds.  My device will arrive Monday or Tuesday, so only a few more days.  She really wanted to take me out of work but I fought her on it.  I enjoy going to work because it gets my mind off of things.  I got way too depressed when I was on my leave and sitting at home doing nothing.  I just want to try to live as much of a normal life as possible.




There's part of me that is so fed up and just wants to quit taking all of my meds.  I hate that all of my problems are caused from side effects to other medicines.  When I say I am experiencing this side effect, I'm given another medicine.  Then that one causes a side effect so here's another.  It's never-ending.  There's several people that I have talked to in my support group that are taking the "wait and see" method.  I'm so close to seeing about going that route.  It really can't be good for me putting all of this poison into my body.  I just wish there was a known cure because I am so sick of this.  I just want to be done.


Sorry for being so negative, but I just needed to bitch a little bit…  Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.


1 comment:

  1. You never need to apologize for venting/expressing your feelings! You have every reason to be angry and frustrated and letting all of your feelings out and expressing them is very strong and brave! You're amazing! -- Melissa

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